Kobushisai: The Manbruiser
by Square Watermelon
Summary: The first in a series of Kenshin parodies, this is Kenshin with a couple important differences. First, no sword. ^_^ It's quite bizarre, but then, so is everything I do. Good for a belly laugh though!


140 years ago, amidst the chaos and bloodshed of the Tokugawa regime, there was an imperialist in Kyoto nicknamed "Kobushisai the Manbruiser." Kobushisai beat a path into the new Meiji era. He was the strongest. Kobushisai. However, he disappeared into thin air as the chaos came to a close. His whereabouts are still unknown. Kobushisai the Manbruiser has become a man of legend.

**Chapter 1: Handsome Boxer of Legend: The Man Who Fights for Certain Types of Cake**

Heavy clouds burdened the sky as dawn began to break. Her sandals kicked up dust as she ran down the calm roads of Tokyo. Although she saw a figure ahead of her, it was difficult to see him clearly through all the fog. Using her fury, she began to run faster, and managed to catch up to him. Though he did not appear threatening, she knew he was the one.

"Wait!" She exclaimed as she pointed her wooden sword at the stranger. "Kobushisai the Manbruiser!"

The stranger stopped, and turned his head slightly towards his accuser. As he continued to turn, she could see a tranquility in his eyes, but also noticed he was missing much of his left ear. His long red hair tied back loosely barely covered this injury. He looked at her with a bewildered expression.

His assailant was a young woman, innocent but strong, with a great deal of anger and passion in her eyes.

"I've finally found you!" She continued. "You're much weaker looking than I expected, Kobushisai the Manbruiser!"

"ORO!" The man blurted, without being able to hide a trace of shock from his face.

"Prepare yourself!" The woman exclaimed, and she began to charge towards him, moving her sword to strike.

The man stood in a relatively calm manner, undisturbed by his assailant's actions, and jumped out of the way just before she could strike. With nothing for the sword to connect with, the young woman stumbled forward, and a stunned expression appeared over her face. She regained her stance and quickly moved her attention to above her, where she saw the young man calmly falling, ready to land firmly on his feet.

The wood cracked under him and broke suddenly as he landed, taking him down too. Buckets and poles and broken frames toppled on top of him, and his once cool demeanor now was reduced to the ramblings of one half-conscious.

As the dust cleared, the young woman looked at him cautiously, and decided that he was not as large a threat as she had thought. She knelt down, and took a closer look.

"Could it be possible that you are the legendary manbruiser? I heard that you socked three more people last night..."

"Rurouni... I am a rurouni, I am. Do you think I could punch anyone with this?"

The man pulled the baggy sleeve of his kimono from his arm, and the young woman jumped back in shock.

"What is this? Your elbow bends the wrong way!!"

"That's a reverse-elbow arm it is. An unfortunate injury."

In wonder, the young woman stood up again, continuously staring at the poor man's arm. The man began to stand up as well, as the rubble began to fall.

"A reverse-elbow arm?"

"I cannot punch anyone. And there is nothing about this arm that looks like it has ever been used, is there?" The man, now standing again, tried to pat the dust out of his clothes, but missed, and came to realize, for what seemed to be the thousandth time, that his arm was incapable of doing this.

"True, there isn't a muscle on it! That arm looks as if it has never held anything!" She said, continuously staring at the freakish arm of the mysterious rurouni.

"So I've proven my innocence, have I?" The man said, now smiling. He began to walk towards her. The woman however looked less than impressed.

"You know.." She started, aggressively pointing her finger at the deformed individual, "Kobushisai has been appearing every night, punching people in the streets, and leaving them to bleed through their noses! Wandering around at this time of day with a dirty word shaved into the back of your head, anyone would suspect you! And anyway, you know it's forbidden by Meiji law to look suspicious!"

The young woman's tender words were cut short by a police whistle heard in the distance. The rurouni, who had been trying to get a word in, looked concerned as the young woman ran off to confront the manbruiser.

***

Blood dripped from a large man's fist as he clenched it confidently. This was nose blood. The kind of blood that brought about a sense of accomplishment.

"Weak." He blurted, as he towered over the seemingly helpless police. "You are all too weak."

Unable to think of any other alternative, they lunged forward, but were each struck swiftly with the infamous fist. The last officer stood in terror, he watched his comrades squirm on the dirt below, clenching their noses. He said a quick prayer for them, but knew they would never smell again. 

"He's strong! He must be the legendary manbruiser with this kind of strength.."

"Kobushisai, hold it right there!" The young woman yelled, flying forward, wooden sword poised for battle. As she moved to strike, the manbruiser took a swing. The young woman came to a stop, and turned around swiftly, only to notice a small bruise on her right arm. She turned her attention back to her opponent, but was already too late. The large man was coming toward her ready to strike.

As the young woman opened her eyes, she found herself in the care of the rurouni, who had pulled her from harm at the last second.

"Rurouni?"

"It is rather reckless to clone a sheep, because it could become a bizzaro-sheep, it could."

The young woman, the manbruiser, and the three police all stopped, and looked at the young man quizzically. The young man then proceeded to flip them the bird, but since his arm bent the wrong way, nobody caught the wonderful gesture.

"It's the Kobushisai!" a new policeman cried as more whistles blew in the distance. "Don't let him escape this time!"

The large man decided that it was time to go, and as he ran off, he yelled, "I am Kobushisai! Kobushisai the Manbruiser! I use the Anything-Goes style of martial arts!"

"Hold it!" the young woman yelled as he ran off. "The Anything-Goes style of martial arts is the style they use on my favorite show! He's randomly bruising people in their name!" She collapsed into the rurouni's arms. Luckily he had been looking at a dog with a puffy tail, and had his back to her, so everything worked out.

***

Through the paper of the sliding doors, the sun made every effort to wake Kaoru from her somnolism. She sat up suddenly, and felt the pain of the bruise on her arm, made earlier this morning. She recalled the deformed young man who had saved her from having to pay for pricey plastic surgery. That is, once it's invented. Her train of thought was disrupted by the sounds outside.

"And you know what else? It had a puffy tail, it did!" The young man was sitting on a rock, a few feet away, recounting his prior adventures to a couple of small children. The children were in awe of every word he said, and seemed to enjoy his canine stories most of all.

"What are you doing?" Kaoru said as she came out the door.

"Oh, you're up are you? I was just telling your cute little sisters about all the fun we had this morning. I have become good friends with them now."

"Hang on! We didn't have FUN this morning! I almost got my face smashed! Don't you remember?" Kaoru blurted, as she approached the young man.

"Hmm, indeed I do remember the puffy tail, I do. Perhaps you are making it up?" 

"Oh for.. NO! I am NOT making it up! Remember? The Kobushisai? The police squirming on the ground, bleeding through their noses? Remember the claims that he was from the Anything-Goes school?"

"I'm afraid I do not Miss Kaoru." The young wanderer said in an almost patronizing tone. "Perhaps you are thinking of something you saw on TV."

"What's TV?"

***

"Well, this is not a deep bruise, so it should clear up in a few days. Who is that man playing with my grand-children anyways?" The family doctor asked, in a half panicked state.

"He's a rurouni who saved my life. He's a frickin idiot, but he saved my life." Kaoru sighed heavily. "I guess I really have no other choice."

Kaoru was about to speak to the rurouni, but realized he was nowhere to be seen. She looked around some more, until she heard loud voices coming from the front of the dojo. 

"He wouldn't." She said under her breath, and headed in that direction as fast as she could.

Before long, she spotted him. With the ankle of one grand-daughter in either reverse-arm, he was flailing around like a madman. The girls were having the time of their lives, and the rurouni was having even more fun. Kaoru stopped and screamed.

"What the f*ck do you think you're doing??? I was just about to tell you that I'll let you stay at this dojo, but--"

"You will really allow me to stay here, Miss Kaoru? That is very kind, it is." The young man had stopped flailing, and the grand-daughters had fallen to the ground. 

"Well I WAS going to let you, but--"

"Thank you so much Miss Kaoru, I am ever in your debt, I am! Can I pick my room?"

"Umm, well I--"

Before Kaoru could finish, the young man had vanished, undoubtedly to call dibs on the best room. Kaoru heaved another sigh, and knelt down to help the two girls up, so that their grandfather could treat their head trauma. She then headed into the dojo to make sure everything was still all right.

She wound up at the training hall, where she found the rurouni hanging pictures of scantily clad ladies.

"I want THIS room, I do!" he blurted when he saw her, unable to control the excitement he had over the fact that the largest room in the building was still available.

Kaoru, who had managed to learn a great deal of patience in the last 20 minutes, took a deep breath, and decided to explain to the rurouni what the room really is.

"I don't think you understand, rurouni. This is the training hall, and this school was founded under the principles of.. hey are you listening to me?"

The young man had already decided that what Kaoru had to say couldn't be important, and that this was his room. Instead, he opened his pack, and pulled out a mysterious device. Kaoru inadvertently stopped talking when she saw this device, tilted her head, and slowly started to approach him. The rurouni wasted no time, and pushed several buttons on this little device, and then proceeded to hold it up to his ear.

"Sano? It's Kenshin, it is. Yeah, I know! Hey, you'll never guess where I am! No! Guess again! No, guess again! No, guess again! No, guess again! No, guess again! No, gue..."

Kenshin and Sanosuke's idiocy was halted abruptly by the swift thwack of Kaoru's wooden sword. She didn't know exactly what he was doing with that device, but she knew she couldn't stand to hear Kenshin say 'guess again' one more time.

"Anyways, Sano," he continued, lowering his voice to a whisper, "I've got a room at the old Kamiya dojo, and I'm..." he looked around, and then lowered his voice even more, "I'm throwing a party. Wanna come?"

Kaoru, who had heard the whole thing, intensely wished the rurouni had just let her die that morning, and decided to go dunk her head in the pond outside. Kenshin, on the other hand, was tremendously excited by the party he was going to have. The one Kaoru doesn't know about. And he decided to go see if they had kegs of sake in town. He skipped out of the dojo, happily singing to himself, until he saw Kaoru holding her head underwater.

"Miss Kaoru?" he said quietly as he slowly approached her, to which there was no reply, "Ummm.. Miss Kaoru? Can I borrow 50 mon? I need to buy a keg, I do."

Kaoru's body slumped to the ground as she lost consciousness. Kenshin saw that she was occupied, and pulled her away from the pond so that he could get her wallet. It would be rude of him to wake her from what must be some sort of traditional meditation. After he took all he needed, he continued his song, and skipped away to the store.

As the oxygen returned to her brain, Kaoru coughed until she could breathe normally again. She sat on the ground, a couple feet away from the pond, stunned that she had not died. That was when she realized it. Kenshin had saved her life again!

"Oh for Kami's sake." she muttered, and decided to go remove Kenshin's things from the hall before any of her students showed up. Her students. Of course, her students. In all the confusion the new guest had caused, she forgot that between the last of her students and herself, the Kobushisai might not stand a chance.

***

"Two kegs means twice as much party." Kenshin said happily to himself as he began to walk home from the store. "And twice as much party means I'll have a much better chance to get Kaoru drunk..." Kenshin stopped in the middle of the road, and his nose started to bleed. 

"Are you all right sir?" a young man said as he approached him, "Your nose is bleeding. Were you attacked by Kobushisai?"

"Oro?" Kenshin said curiously, not having noticed the young man appear. "No, I am fine I am. I am simply having trouble getting both of these kegs back to the dojo."

The young man noticed the rurouni's arms, and realized it was his duty to help this poor man home. 

"They might be lighter if we drained some of the sake out." he suggested, almost giddily.

Kenshin took a better look at this helpful youngster. He couldn't have been any older than sixteen, he had a ring through his nose, and sported a kimono that read "Up Yours". Kenshin decided that he was a very trustworthy kid. And together, they sat down against a nearby wall, and began the arduous task of 'not letting all this sake go to waste.'

***

"Where the bloody f*ckin hell are my students!" Kaoru exclaimed as she stood, agitated, in the training hall. "If they're planning on leaving the dojo too, then I will hunt each and every one of them down, and kill them dead. Screw the Meiji era."

"Umm excuse me.. my name is Yahiko, and I want to be strong." 

Kaoru shot an evil look at the young boy who stood in the doorway, fire burning in her eyes. Yahiko, who had somehow managed to escape from the clutches of an organized crime ring, was not looking in peak condition. He decided it would be best to spontaneously come back in a future chapter.

Once Yahiko had disappeared, Kaoru decided to go looking for her students.

"That's right, I'll 'look' for my students.. and once I find them, I'll 'teach them' a final 'lesson'... yessss..." Kaoru muttered to herself as she grabbed her biggest and most dangerous looking wooden sword.

But before she could leave the dojo, Kenshin stumbled into her. His clothes reeked of sake, but there was an unusual look in his eyes. This was not the look of someone who was plastered, but of a true manbruiser. Behind Kenshin lay the unconscious body of the false Kobushisai, as well as an old man, Yahiko, the kid he had spent the afternoon with, and a panda. 

Kaoru, who was still filled with rage over the loss of her students, "Hey, isn't that one of my students lying unconscious over there?" Could be. Anyways, filled with rage over the loss of her students, Kaoru began to slap Kenshin silly. 

Eventually Kenshin's eyes became tranquil again, and despite many an effort to get Kaoru to stop, she just continued slapping him. So Kenshin decided to go do something productive with his time. He began to cook dinner, and Kaoru continuously slapped him. Then he ate dinner, and though she took quick breaks to put food in her mouth, Kaoru continued slapping him. Then Kaoru's arm got tired and so she got Dr. Gensai to take over until morning. 

"Wait a minute, why was I slapping you again?" Kaoru finally asked one autumn afternoon.

'I do not know Miss Kaoru, I believe it had something to do with me being the real Kobushisai." Kenshin said with a lisp.

"Oh yeah.. well I don't care about that anymore." Kaoru said dryly as she walked off to put her wrist in some ice. "Just get your crap out of my training hall in case I ever get any frickin students."

And so, a new border started living at the Kamiya Dojo. Joy!

  
  
_Rurouni Kenshin is property of N. Watsuki/Shueisha, Fuji-TV, SPE Visual Works, and Animeworks. I am in no way affiliated with any of them, but I also am a pennyless beggar. You will get nothing but blood out of me._


End file.
